I just need to get something off of my chest.....In my opinion (and I have lots of statistics to back me up) caregiving for an aging loved one is one of THE MOST difficult jobs in the world and the caregivers themselves are highly undervalued. Whew...I feel much, much better:)
At a recent CARE Meeting (Caregivers Allowed to Rejuvenate and Energize) I listened intently as many new attendees spoke of the physical and mental work that it took to care for a loved one. One caregiver talked about her mom not moving much from her chair during the day due to her lack of strength. Her mom does not complain about this, she enjoys reading or watching TV from that chair. The caregiver, in an attempt to keep her mom safe, has discussed with her mother the dangers of going down the stairs and has even asked that she not attempt it. All of this goes out the window the minute the caregiver is gone for any length of time. For some reason, her mom decides to get out of her chair and go downstairs to the basement. When the caregiver returns she finds her mom at the bottom of the stairs. No falls. No injuries. Just there, at the bottom of the stairs! Why would her mom do this? It appears as if Mom is pushing the caregivers buttons!
Other caregivers describe their parent as always being someone who cared about their hygiene, always wore clean clothes and combed their hair and now they can't get Dad to change the shirt that he has worn for the past four days. This can be so frustrating for the caregiver because they look at Dad, see an adult and KNOW that he knows better!
These types of behavior are not uncommon in the caregiving field. Many times, especially with those diagnosed with Dementia or Alzheimer's, caregiving can be a lot like taking care of a child. Unfortunately, just like raising a child, they do not come with a book to teach you the right way to do this. And even worse, this adult/child is regressing, not progressing, due to the illness.
Another thing to keep in mind is that as our loved one's age and we are helping them with their needs, Mom or Dad start to feel as though any control they have had in their lives has been removed. All of a sudden they cannot drive the car or control their finances or even stay in their home because their needs have become too great and they need someone to care for them 24 hours a day. Think back to when you were a teenager and your parents told you NOT to do something, what was the first thing you wanted to do? Didn't you want to show them that you were much smarter than they gave you credit for. Did you go out and DO exactly what they asked you not to do? One of the caregivers in this class has told me several times that he "earned this behavior from his dad" when he was a teenager. :)
My best advice is to not let yourself get frustrated. Raising your voice, yelling, trying to force your loved one to comply with YOUR wishes will not yield anything but anger and unhappiness, for you.....they possibly wont even remember it in later in the day.
I have come up with a little plan to help in this type of situation and would like to share it with you.
I call it TIPS:
1- TIME - Step out of the situation, give it some time and return with a different approach. Instead of telling Dad he needs to change his shirt why not ask him which shirt (of two in your hand) he would like to wear for the day or, is there another one in the closet he prefers?
2- IMPORTANCE - How important is it that Dad changes his shirt? I usually find that it is more important to the caregiver than the one being cared for. With other situations, for instance, changing a soiled brief, would be important to the health and well being of the loved one.
3- PREFERENCE - Keep your loved ones preferences in mind. What time do they prefer their meals? Do they prefer to bathe or shower? Helping them have as many preferences in their day as possible will increase the satisfaction and quality of their life as well as maintain their dignity.
4- SAFETY - Is the safety of Dad in any way linked to the situation? A shirt with some stains from last night's dinner is probably not going to affect his safety but keeping him from using the woodworking tools probably is! If it is a safety issue, take a stand!
I hope my TIPS can help you when you find yourself in a difficult situation while caregiving. Please let me know if there is anything I can help you with!
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