Each and every week I am blessed to be able to work through caregiving problems with amazing caregivers in two different settings; one, in a CARE meeting and two, in the UCARE classes I facilitate. I have come to appreciate their hard work, diligence and caring as a firm foundation for being a caregiver. I have also learned that it can sometimes be so difficult that we forget to laugh. And life without laughter can be very painful.
I was a caregiver for Nonna, my Italian grandmother, who was diagnosed with Dementia/Alzheimer's just a few years before she passed away. We had the noticeable forgetfulness and misplacing things but she seemed to cover these up well. If Nonna arrived in another room and could not remember what she was doing she would tell us it was "the hereafter" as she would say to herself, "Now, what am I here after?" It wasn't until the last months of her life that the concern and amount of care needed grew. It was also around that time that I realized how critical it was to have a sense of humor.
Nonna loved to cook. It did not matter what time you showed up at her house, she would work in a meal. She would start pulling things out of the fridge, a little of this and a little of that, and it would shortly be presented on the table as a meal fit for a king. In the last year or two of her life we had dinner at her home with Nonno, her sweetheart of more than 60 years, several times each week. I would prepare a great deal of the meal and Nonna would have some of her special grape juice to add to it. One day she had another kind of juice. My two daughters and I had a sip of it and it was really delicious. Dani, my oldest, asked "Nonna, what kind of juice is this?" Nonna shook her head and smiled without uttering a word. So, I asked, "What did you put in this Nonna?" to which she replied, "I'll never tell!" Needless to say, I started making the juice myself each time I arrived. :)
We had many scenarios that could be considered frustrating to many but we chose to giggle and make the best of it. That is not always easy and choosing to have a sense of humor will require a great deal of control. If your loved one likes to follow you around and mirror your actions (which is a very common behavior with dementia) start dancing and laughing. You will be amazed at what this will do for your loved one. Playing music in your home can also promote well being and happiness. Reciting poetry from their youth or singing songs they were familiar with is also a great way to lighten their mood.
Just the sheer power of suggestion worked for another grandmother who had Dementia and was in a care facility. My In-laws were out of town and I had agreed to go check on Grandma each day while they were gone. I worried quite a bit about what we would talk about as she rarely recognized anyone and could become very upset if you tried to convince her she knew you. I decided to take some bright red fingernail polish and a book of children's poems for the visit. I introduced myself to her and Grandma said "Nice to meet you." I told her I was reading some of these poems and had thought about her, opened the book and shared some with her. She was familiar with some and was even repeating some of the words with me. This opened the door a little bit wider for me and I asked her how she would feel about getting her fingernails all fancied up with some polish. She thought it was a great idea. I "warned" her that the polish would more than likely tickle and I was hoping she could hold her laughter in. That was all it took. With each fingernail painted, the giggles became louder and longer. Grandma flashed those fingernails for everyone to see and had a smile as big as Texas on her face. The next day I introduced myself to Grandma and she again said, "Nice to meet you."
I could have been discouraged and even given up. I could have said, "Why bother? She won't remember this tomorrow." I have often repeated a phrase to my children over the last 24 years that quickly comes to my mind in these situations...."You have two choices. You can make the best of this or you can make the worst of this. It is your choice." I hadn't had much experience with caregiving at that point in my life but I look back on this as a big lesson learned. I made a difference for her. My laughter, teasing and love made a difference even just for that moment. But that is what life is made up of....moments. I chose to make the best of it and we got to know each other again that day while reciting poetry and giggling.
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