Grief: Understanding It, Coping With It and Healing

Last week I participated in our bi-weekly case conference meeting with staff at Freedom Home Health and Hospice where we discuss each patient, the progress of their illness, management of their pain and family dynamics. Most of the patient care can seem routine; if the patient is in pain, medication can relieve it. If the patient isn't getting enough oxygen, it is provided. The one element that is anything but routine is grief.

Grief is a natural response to loss, comes in all shapes and sizes and never affects two people exactly the same. It is the emotional suffering you experience at the loss of someone or something.  You may experience grief because of a loss of a loved one, loss of a job, loss of skills such as walking or driving, memory loss and countless other personal reasons.  The error that is commonly made is thinking that everyone grieves the same.  I have heard many stories from my husband who serves as a police officer, of the different ways people will  grieve over the loss of a loved one.  There is not one correct way to grieve. It is as personal as your fingerprint and you will only understand it when it is yours.

There is a cycle to grieving that can help shed light on the process and hopefully give clarity to those who are suffering.  How you grieve is very personal and closely affected by your faith, life experiences, coping skills and personality. Support from family and friends can  help the process but it cannot be forced or hurried, grieving takes time and for each person it is very different.

Are there stages of grief?

In 1969, psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced what became known as the “five stages of grief.” These stages of grief were based on her studies of the feelings of patients facing terminal illness, but many people have generalized them to other types of negative life changes and losses, such as the death of a loved one, a break-up or job loss.

 

 

The five stages of grief:

• Denial: “This can’t be happening to me.”
  
• Anger: “Why is this happening? Who is to blame?”
  
• Bargaining: “Make this not happen, and in return I will ____.”
  
• Depression: “I’m too sad to do anything.”
  
• Acceptance: “I’m at peace with what happened.”
  

If you are experiencing any of these emotions following a loss, it may help to know that your reaction is natural and that you’ll heal in time. However, not everyone who is grieving goes through all of these stages – and that’s okay. Contrary to popular belief, you do not have to go through each stage in order to heal. In fact, some people resolve their grief without going through any of these stages. And if you do go through these stages of grief, you probably won’t experience them in a neat, sequential order, so don’t worry about what you “should” be feeling or which stage you’re supposed to be in.


Kübler-Ross herself never intended for these stages to be a rigid framework that applies to everyone who mourns. In her last book before her death in 2004, she said of the five stages of grief, “They were never meant to help tuck messy emotions into neat packages. They are responses to loss that many people have, but there is not a typical response to loss, as there is no typical loss. Our grieving is as individual as our lives.”

If you or someone you know is experiencing a loss, please know that there is help.  Talk to family and friends, join a support group or speak with a counselor. If there is anything I can do to help, just give me a call.  Feel free to leave your comments on grief and things that helped you get through the process.